I saw the fear in his eyes.
"You don't?" he whispered.
"Jon, I can't be between you and Richie," I said. "I've come to realization that I can't date you both and I can't love you both. Whatever happened in our past just needs to let us go. I'm sorry Jon, but I don't love you." I felt the tears fall down my cheeks as I tried looking him in the eyes. I couldn't. It was hurting me enough having these words come from me.
"Jon," I whispered, "you'll always be my superman. I know you've gotten in fights with me and with Richie, but you can't save us both. I love you, but just as a brother. And as my superman."
He put his hands over his head and began to cry. I couldn't even look at his face. I was bawling too. I couldn't see Myself making him cry. It made me feel like I had hurt him. I felt like a monster inside and I couldn't help but think of what he thought of me.
I tried to help calm him and make him feel better, but he turned on me.
"I'm so sick of this drama!" he yelled through his tears. "I don't want anymore of it! Why did I even let you go on tour? You just wanted to hurt me?"
"Jon," I cried, "you have it all wrong--"
"No I don't. You never did love me. All those emotions, they were NOTHING. You faked EVERYTHING. You played with my emotions, Kmae. You should've never Asked to go on tour. You should just leave!"
I was so devastated. "Fine, I will leave, Jon. I hope you're happy."
I ran back into my room and slammed the door shut. I locked every single door in my room and closed the the curtains. I felt so evil, so broken. I didn't have any idea of how I'd ever be able to forgive anything that Jon had said to me. I went into my bag and grabbed the picture of me and him that was in a small frame and threw it across the room, watching the glass shatter into a million tiny pieces. I couldn't stand but wait until I could leave. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to just get out of all this drama, all this hate. I felt like nothing. I felt like none of my emotions ever became a reality for Jon. He thought I made up everything. He thought I didn't love him. He thought he'd be better off in life without me. I couldn't stand but think of everything we'd been through and how I would never be able to forget it.
I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like someone had repeatedly stabbed me until I couldn't hold anymore emotions inside of me. They all came out as tears of love and hate. I couldn't stand but think of what I'd do from here. Jon didn't even want me here. How could I be here anymore?
I grabbed my notebook from my bag and looked through it. I was trying to find a clean page, so I could write Jon a note. I was looking through until I finally found one.
"Dear Jon,
I highly doubt you care, but I just wanted to say goodbye before I leave. I'm going back to New Jersey because you obviously don't want me here. I'm sorry that I told you I didn't love you, and I'm sorry that you don't want me here and that I've caused you drama. I'm just trying to heal the wounds you guys scraped up a few years ago. I guess I'll see you in 15 months.
Kmae."
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